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Chapter 6 Reflecting Skills: Reflecting Feelings

"The Importance of Understanding Emotions

Understanding another person’s emotions helps us better understand the whole person because

emotions give a window into motivation, current mental state, behavior, and worldview (Izard,

2009). It might even save your life. As an example, Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional

Intelligence (Goleman, 2006), describes an incident in Iraq where a group of soldiers who were

distributing relief supplies were surrounded by an angry mob of people who thought the

soldiers were there to arrest one of the villagers. Using emotional intelligence, the officer in

charge ordered the soldiers to kneel, point their guns at the ground, and smile, all of which

defused the situation without anyone being hurt. The officer, Lieutenant Colonel Christopher

Hughes, was able to transmit the message through nonverbal means that the soldiers were

nonthreatening and friendly.

Goleman’s story is in support of the thesis that there is a kind of intelligence quite different

from what IQ tests capture (Goleman, 2003). If the soldiers had attempted to explain their

mission to the villagers, it might have been a logical move but not emotionally smart.

Emotional intelligence has been described as the “ability to monitor one’s own and others’

feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s

thinking and actions” (Salovey & Mayer, 1990, p. 189).

There is little doubt that helpers must possess this emotional intelligence in the same way that

an engineer must have the intellectual ability to understand higher mathematics. Yet emotional

intelligence can be developed just as mathematical skills can be enhanced (Goleman, 2003).

The ability to recognize and express another person’s feelings can be learned, and it has power

to deepen the relationship and allow the client to release emotional burdens."

"The Skill of Reflecting Feelings

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Being able to recognize emotions in others and convey that you understand their feelings is a

special ability. This skill of reflecting feelings tells your client that you recognize the emotional

background of the story. The building block skill of reflecting feelings is essentially the same

technique as paraphrasing. This time, however, the focus is on emotions rather than on content

and thoughts. Reflecting feelings involves listening and then expressing in your own words the

emotions stated or implied by the client. These emotions may be hidden in the content of the

story or in the nonverbal responses of the client. The emoticon is an attempt to communicate

the emotions that can’t be expressed in a text message or e-mail.

Here is an example of how clients may not openly express a feeling, but it is implicit in the

message. The client says, “I just lost my job,” and looks down. The client’s feelings (shock,

hurt, embarrassment) are beneath the surface of the nonverbal messages and the simple

description of the event. Reflecting feelings shows the client that you understand the deeper

message.

Benefits of Reflecting Feelings

There are four therapeutic benefits of reflecting feelings. First, reflecting feelings makes the

client becomes more keenly aware of the emotions surrounding a topic. Many clients under

disclose, and any method or technique that allows them to more fully experience and express

their feelings is therapeutic (Peluso & Freund, 2018; Whelton, 2004; Young & Bemak, 1996).

Let us suppose that the helper makes a reflection such as, “I can tell that you are terribly angry

about that.” The client’s response may be one of surprise, “Yes, I guess I am.” Because a

reflection is done in a nonevaluative manner, it communicates understanding of feelings that

clients may not be conscious of or think they have no right to feel.

The second therapeutic benefit of reflecting feelings is that it brings the client to deeper and

deeper levels of self-disclosure. An accurate reflection focuses clients on emotions and teaches

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them to become aware of and report feelings. It stimulates the client to express other, perhaps

more deeply felt, emotions (Goldman, 2017). Even if the reflection is not quite accurate, the

client will provide a correction that is more on target. For example, when my daughter was 4

years old, some neighborhood kids slammed the door in her face, and she came home crying.

I said, “That must have really hurt your feelings.” She replied, “Yes, and I was embarrassed

and angry too!” I became aware that identifying one feeling evokes other emotions, and I also

learned that kids can learn to label emotions very early—especially a therapist’s kid.

Third, an accurate reflection of feelings has the almost magical power to deepen the

relationship between client and helper (Peluso & Freund, 2018). Nothing transmits

nonjudgmental understanding more completely. This is why reflecting feelings, which

originated in the client-centered tradition of Carl Rogers (1961), has gained such wide usage.

It taps the enormous healing properties of the therapeutic relationship. A beginning helper who

can accurately reflect feelings provides support and understanding without any other tools.

Finally, reflecting feelings brings genuine relief from emotional pressure (Hoffman, Vallejos,

& Cleare-Hoffman, 2015). Take, for example, the client whose wife had left him but would not

say why. He came for help, crying about the lost relationship. He ran the emotional gamut,

from confusion to shock to disgust to affection to rage. Experiencing all these conflicting

emotions in one session can make anyone feel “crazy.” Even though there were still conflicting

feelings, by the end of the first session, the client felt more in control simply because the

feelings were sorted and labeled. Untangling the emotional knots seems to be healing even if

no real action is taken. Somehow, we can accept our feelings as normal reactions when we

bring them to the surface and parcel them out. Reflecting feelings by saying, “You feel so

betrayed, and yet you still feel a bond of affection,” can help to normalize what the client

perceives as a deeply conflicting emotional experience.

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Why It Is Difficult to Reflect Feelings

Reflecting feelings is one of the most valuable tools of the helper, but it is not an easy one to

learn. Theodore Reik, the famous analyst, claimed that to hear deeply, one must learn to

become sensitive to the unexpressed and listen with the “third ear.” Referring to the fact that

the client may not even be aware of these feelings, Reik said, “The voice that speaks in (the

client) speaks low but (the helper) who listens with a third ear, hears also what is expressed

almost noiselessly, what is said pianissimo” (Reik, 1968, p. 165).

One reason that feelings may be hard to hear is that our upbringing, family background, and

culture affect the way we express them (Matsumoto, 2009; Tsai, Levenson, & McCoy, 2006).

For example, many individuals with Appalachian and English roots may express emotions in

very subtle ways. Some Native Americans, East Indians, and Europeans come from cultures

where open expression of feelings is rude or a sign of weakness. For instance, there was a

conference in Amsterdam on the “underexpression” of emotions as a mental health issue in

Europe. When a client’s family background or culture is constantly sending the message “Don’t

let anyone see your feelings,” helping is more difficult because the helper is going against

family and cultural mores. Getting to feelings may require more time and effort, and even then,

expression may seem faint by comparison. This can be frustrating when the client does not

seem to respond to your reflections. For some clients, though, even a small crack in the voice

may be quite a strong emotional sign and should be valued as a deep disclosure.

Culture Check Gender

A person’s gender training also has a bearing on emotional expression and the ability to detect

emotions in others (Lambrecht, Kreifelts, & Wildgruber, 2014). Traditional male upbringing

means “never let them see you sweat” and “big boys don’t cry” (Kottler, 1997; Wong,

Steinfeldt, LaFollette, & Tsao, 2010). Consequently, it may be difficult for some to openly

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display feelings in the helping relationship and in their other relationships, too. When feelings

leak out, traditional males may feel weak or out of control. Feminine socialization, on the other

hand, is associated with better ability to identify emotions, is more relationship-oriented, and

encourages telling another person how you feel (Kring & Gordon, 1998; Madrid & Kantor,

2009), even on Facebook and Twitter (Parkins, 2012). However, women are also trained to

repress certain emotions, such as anger or even confidence, that are not considered feminine.

Emotional health means recognizing one’s own feelings and appropriately expressing them.

When a helper sees a cultural handicap to emotional expression and helps the client recognize

what is being suppressed, the client may be able to overcome cultural conditioning and own

and accept those emotions.

How to Reflect Feelings

Step 1: Identifying the Feeling or Feelings

Like paraphrasing, reflecting feelings involves two steps. The first step is identifying the

client’s feelings; the second step is articulating the underlying emotions that you detect in the

client’s statements. You can learn the first step in your practice sessions as you listen intently.

Imagine how the client feels in this situation, and then try to label the feeling. The best way to

do this is to think of yourself as the client, taking into account all the facts and also considering

what you know about the client’s personality and history. In other words, do not try to think

about how you would feel in this situation; instead, become the client and think about how the

client must feel. Table 6.1 helps you to find another word that is closer to what the client is

expressing. Studying this list will help you improve the accuracy of your reflections. Do not

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forget that nonverbal signals are major clues to the client’s feeling state. Although reading and

responding to vignettes in this book will be a good training exercise, practicing with classmates

will be more realistic as you must pay attention to the nonverbal expressions as well as the

words."

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Chapter 7 Advanced Reflecting Skills: Reflecting Meaning and

Summarizing

"Summarizing

Summarizing is the final reflecting skill in the nonjudgmental listening cycle (NLC). Although

it is easier to learn than reflecting meaning, we place it here because you cannot adequately

summarize until you have paraphrased and reflected feelings and meanings in a client’s story.

Summarizing pulls together everything a client has said in a brief synopsis of the session up to

that point. The summary helps the client make some sense of the tangle of thoughts and feelings

just expressed in the session. In other words, it is a big reflection. The client hears the story in

a more organized way, and it starts to become clearer. The summary ties some of the major

issues that have emerged into a compact version of the story. It may include any of the

following: (1) content, (2) major feelings, (3) meaning issues and themes, and (4) future plans.

Of all the reflecting skills, it could be considered the broadest brush, bringing together main

content, themes, and feelings in the client’s story by concisely recapping them. But summaries

are not to be used only at the end of a session. Summaries may be used in the beginning, middle,

and end. Because summaries have different purposes, they can be divided into four types:

focusing, signal, thematic, and planning summaries.

Focusing Summaries

At the beginning of a session, a summary may help to focus the conversation before it begins.

A focusing summary is an intervention that brings the discussion to bear on the major issues

and themes, places the spotlight on the client’s responsibility for the problem, and reminds the

client of the goals. For example:

“In the last few sessions, it seems like we have been dealing with two major issues. The first is

the way that you are trying to renew your social network and find some supportive friends since

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your breakup with Jesse. The other issue is your mixed feelings about living back home with

your parents.”

Focusing summaries are not only to remind clients about their goals from previous sessions.

They can even be used at the first session with a new client. For example, a helper says:

“Let’s review what I know so far. Your mother called and made this appointment for you

because you were arrested about a month ago for public intoxication. One of the conditions of

your probation is that you receive help for your drinking problem. Your probation officer

referred you to our agency. So, you’re here to do something about the problems you’ve been

having with alcohol. Is this about right?”

Brammer (1973) points out that a focusing summary at the beginning gets the client on track

immediately. Contrast this with the traditional opening statements such as, “How have things

been going this week?” or “What would you like to talk about today?” When a client begins

the session by reacting to a focusing summary, the conversation turns to the reason why the

client is seeking help and goals.

Signal Summaries

In the middle of a session, the signal summary tells the client that the helper has digested what

has been said and that the session can move on to the next topic. If the helper does not

summarize occasionally, the client may feel that it is necessary to go over an issue several

times. A good time for a signal summary is when the client seems to have come to the end of

a story and pauses. In the example that follows, see whether you can spot the paraphrases (Ps),

reflections of feelings (ROFs), and reflections of meaning (ROMs) in this parent’s story.

Client: “So that’s about it . . . (pause).”

Helper: “Before we move on, let’s just summarize where we’ve been so far. You have tried to

get professional help for your daughter’s drug problem, and she has rejected it. Because she is

an adult, there is not much force you can apply. This makes you feel helpless, and when you

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see her, your relationship is very superficial because you can’t talk about the drug issue without

getting into a fight. You’ve always been the kind of person who likes to leap into action when

a problem arises, and here is a situation where there is little to do. That’s what makes it

especially frustrating.” (summary)

Client: “Yes, but that’s the way it is. Now I guess I need to talk about how I can go on with my

life under these circumstances.”

Helper: “Okay, let’s talk about that.” (door opener)

Thematic Summaries

A theme is a pattern of content, feelings, or meanings that the client returns to again and again

(Carkhuff, 1987). The thematic summary is an advanced reflecting skill because it means that

the helper has to be able to make connections among the content, emotions, or meanings

expressed in many client statements or even over many sessions. When this kind of reflection

is made, it often provides new information to the client, who may be unaware that the issue is

resurfacing so often. Sometimes these themes are referred to as “core issues” because they

represent problems that appear in a variety of circumstances.

Rather than signaling a transition to a new topic, the thematic summary tends to push clients to

an even deeper level of understanding or exploration. Here are some examples of thematic

summaries:

“There seem to be two issues that keep coming up. One of them is the anger you feel in a

number of different close relationships, and the other is your sense that you haven’t been able

to reach your potential in your career.”

“As you have been talking, I seem to notice a pattern, and I’d like to check it out. You seem to

want to end relationships when they begin to lose their initial excitement and romance.”

“From everything we’ve talked about over these past few weeks, one major issue seems to be

that, over and over again, you hesitate to make a commitment to a career or to a relationship or

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to take any important action because you are afraid you might let your parents down by failing.

Is this right?”

It is difficult to practice using thematic summaries because it presumes that you have seen a

client for some time and usually for more than one session. It takes time for important themes

to emerge. Identification of themes is an intuitive process. You must think back on the whole

of your experience with the client and try to cull the big issues. Even though identifying themes

is an advanced skill, it is discussed here because it is possible you may notice these themes as

you practice. You may have seen advanced practitioners identify these themes in recorded

sessions. Remember, too, that themes are the helper’s constructions or interpretations; they

should be used only when you have enough information to be fairly certain that you have

identified a theme. It is best to propose themes tentatively, because if incorrect, a thematic

summary can have the effect of making the client feel analyzed and labeled.

Planning Summaries

Planning summaries entail a review of the progress, plans, and agreements made during the

session. The planning summary brings a sense of closure and ends the session on a hopeful

note. Here are two examples:

“Well, it seems like we’ve identified several things in this first session that we want to pursue.

First, you are unhappy with the way you tend to become overly dependent on your friends. You

want to follow your own interests. In fact, you want to get to know yourself better. With this

in mind, we thought about your entering a counseling group at the local mental health center.

Besides that, you’d like to identify some goals for your career. That is something you and I can

begin to work on right away. We’ll set up an assessment program and talk more about this over

the next several weeks. How does all this sound?”

“Let’s recap what we have talked about so far. On the one hand, you have accomplished your

financial goals, but you are far from satisfied with your relationships with friends and family.

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You have said that this is because you are not very assertive. It sounds as though this is the area

we need to discuss in our next session. What do you think?”"

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Chapter 8 Challenging Skills

"When Should We Use the Challenging Skills?

During the initial stages of the relationship, the helper strives to understand the client’s unique

worldview by getting the client to open up. As a client tells the story, the helper listens

attentively using the nonjudgmental listening cycle (NLC). After several cycles, the helper

begins to detect distortions, blind spots, and inconsistencies and may then use challenging skills

to help clients function with more accurate information about themselves. With heightened

self-awareness, they are better able to make decisions and to operate free of illusions and “vital

lies.” Challenging is consistent with the primary goal of empowering clients by encouraging

them to explore their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and to take steps toward their dreams

and goals.

When challenging skills are used, the aura of safety and support, so carefully constructed by

the helper, is at risk (Moeseneder, Ribeiro, Muran, & Caspar, 2018). There is a fundamental

shift from relationship building to a focus on the goals set by the client and helper, conveying

to the client that the helping relationship is not a friendship but a business partnership during

which the helper may have to hold the client’s feet to the fire in order to attain the agreed-upon

outcomes. Clients need to be challenged when:

They are operating on misinformation about the self. For example, a client may underestimate

her intelligence, feeling that she is not capable of attending college when there is evidence to

the contrary.

They are operating with mistaken ideas and irrational beliefs. For example, the client believes

she must be perfect.

They misinterpret the actions of others. This tendency is called mind reading and is a common

problem among couples. A client may act on assumptions without confirming them, making

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statements such as the following: “I could tell by the way he acted that he did not want to date

me anymore.”

They are blaming others rather than examining themselves. For example, a client may blame

the boss at work but refuse to look at his own responsibility for the poor relationship or his own

work performance.

Their behavior, thoughts, feelings, and values are inconsistent. For example, a client talks about

how much she values honesty but at the same time discusses how she hides her financial

difficulties from her partner.

They are not operating according to their own values.

They are not working on the goals that they participated in setting.

In this chapter, we will focus on two building blocks, or basic skills, used to challenge clients

and help them deal with problems more consciously. The first of these is giving feedback:

providing information and your honest reaction to the client. The skill of giving effective

feedback is one that has wide application in helping, including group work, couples counseling,

and individual and family therapy. Second, we tackle the skill of confrontation, the challenging

skill that is the art of pointing out inconsistencies and blind spots in the client’s story."

"Confrontation”

Confrontation is the second challenging skill we will address in this chapter. Confrontations

point out discrepancies in client beliefs, behaviors, words, or nonverbal messages. As a result

of confrontation, client awareness of inconsistencies is stimulated, and the client is motivated

to resolve them. In essence, it is an educational process that brings information to the client’s

attention that has been previously unknown, disregarded, or repressed. The most powerful

confrontation urges the client to resolve the inconsistencies. Confrontation creates emotional

arousal and can lead clients to develop important insights and motivate them to change their

behavior.

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What Is a Discrepancy?

A discrepancy is an inconsistency, mixed message, or conflict among a client’s thoughts,

feelings, and behaviors. In fact, every problem contains discrepancies. For example:

A client says that she wants an equal, sharing relationship but goes out only with domineering

people.

A client says that she loves her job, but she complains about it constantly.

A client states that he wants to improve his marriage, but he