09 Jul Forget prince charming

Forget Prince Charming

June Callwood

I dont believe for a moment that a perfect mate exists and if such a freak of nature did occur that person would not be a heavenly match for me because I am imperfect and we would clash. But I have three granddaughters of marriageable age and I frequently advise them on such matters as how to run their lives and what they should require of a mate.

        The primary consideration, I tell them, is that they cannot expect perfection. No human relationship is friction-free. Even siblings who are fond of one another have clashes, and they come from the same gene pool. There is no possibility that two adults from different backgrounds will agree on everything, and discord over trivia is not evidence of a mismatch.

        The notion of a perfect mate exists because of the temporary insanity that accompanies courtship, when people experience what Freud called the oceanic feeling. Self-protective edges disappear in a wash of uncritical attentiveness. The two in love become one sensate being, their emotions so attuned to one another that the existential loneliness of the human condition is masked. People in the first fiery intensity of romantic attachment bring out the sweetness in one another and are all the better for it.

        Amazingly, the pounding heart is not always an idiot; some inner wisdom or instinct seems to guide many people to the right choice, and one they might not have made cognitively. Besides, passionate physical attraction is natures plan for the species and without it relationships are cold gruel. The major flaw in ecstatic beginnings, however, is the expectation they arouse that, lifelong, the partnership will be effortless. No fundamental problems are ever resolved by two people moving in together; the best hope is that a stable relationship will enable each person to work on them.

        All long-term couplings survive on a mutual ability to compromise, which is the same glue that holds our peculiar country together. Some matters are not negotiable, of course; violence and betrayal are definitely deal-breakers. But happily married people make concessions to one anothers peculiarities all the time, and the exchange rarely is 50-50. The totality has to feel fair to both, but real life is far too complex for a balance scale to be relevant.

        A wise Canadian child psychologist, the late Dr. William Blatz, was asked the secret of his serene marriage. He replied, I make the dressing and she makes the salad. A dressing is a lot quicker to make than a salad, but people got the picture. The wedlock was a collaboration effort.

        It may be significant that our granddaughters have scattered beyond the immediate reach of my wise counsel on the subject of choosing a mate. One is in India, either near the Ganges or Thailand doing something for The New York Times. No matter. We stay in contact through e-mail and I proffer endless help in what I take to be their pursuit of love and fulfillment, which may be synonymous states.

        What I have been saying to them since they were so small I could hold them on my lap is that successful mating has little to do with finding Prince Charming, who in my experience frequently is a narcisstic dope. Romantic novelists have the ideal all wrong, I explain. The first quality they should seek in their partner is integrity. Someone who cheats on an expense account or cant admit fault will be dishonest in a myriad of other ways as well. For the long haul, they want a truth speaker.

        Punctuality is an important clue to character, I continue. Chronic tardiness indicates to me a lack of respect for the waiting person that goes to the heart of consideration for others. I also insist on compassion, which rests on the fine bedrock of empathy. A helpful clue to this attribute can be found in the way the person behaves around small children. Anyone who stops to admire a baby probably had good parenting and will hang in with loyalty and kindness through the adversities that most certainly lie ahead.

        I also stress humour, by which I dont mean joke telling, which can also be an indication of the need for attention and a paucity of anything interesting to say. However humour that springs from awareness of lifes absurdities is the hallmark of a humane outlook. The ability to put matters in perspective and a knack for leavening bad times with a comical observation make life infinitely more bearable. My husband had something genuinely funny to say while we were burying our son, and it helped a great deal.

        Come to think of it, my prescription for informed mate choosing seems to be a description of my own mate. Weve been married almost fifty-seven years and so far it is working out all right, so what can I say. Ill keep you Posted (little joke of my own there).

 

* In the 1950s, June Callwood began publishing her essays in established Canadian magazines. Her books, including Love, Fear, Hate and Anger (1964) and Portrait of Canada (1981), explore a variety of subjects, frequently social activism. She was appointed an Officer of the Order of Canada in 1986. Forget Prince Charming appeared in the National Post in 2000 following an invitation to Canadian writers to describe their perfect mate. (Born Chatham, Ontario 1924)

 

 Multiple Choice

1. The Perfect Mate is called a freak of nature by the author in the essay because:

1. That person would be a heavenly match.

2. The writer would be too imperfect to deserve the perfect mate.

3. Such a person could not possibly be in existence.

4. The author and the perfect mate would clash in a duel.

 

2. What is meant by the oceanic feeling?

The oceanic feeling is when:

1. The two persons in love shrink into one person and loneliness disappears.

2. The two persons in love become one, understanding each others emotions as they become so trusting towards each other that they lose all boundaries.

3. The two persons in love become so uncritical and inattentive towards each other that they need no protective edges.

4. The two in love become one as their emotions become attuned until all loneliness disappears due to their attentiveness towards each other.

 

3. Passionate physical attraction is important because:

1. It is natures plan for humans and without it relationships would be cold.

2. It is natures plan for humans and without it relationships would not be cold gruel.

3. It is not natures plan for humans and without it relationships would be cold.

4. It is natures plan for the species and with it relationships are cold gruel.

 

4. The problem with ecstatic beginnings in relationships is:

1. The expectation that work will be needed throughout the partnership.

2. The expectation that the partnership will not be effortless.

3. The expectation that work will arouse lifelong effortlessness.

4. The expectation that the partnership will be effortless and needing little work.

 

5. According to the author, a couples decision to move in together:

1. Solves all fundamental problems and offers the best hope that there will be a stable relationship each person can work on.

2. Solves no fundamental problems and the best hope is that there will be a stable relationship each person can work on.

3. Solves little fundamental problems and the best hope is that there will be a stable relationship each person can work on.

4. Solves many fundamental problems and offers the best hope that there will be a stable relationship each person can work on.

 

6. Choose the statement that best expresses the authors beliefs on compromising in relationships.

1. Compromising or making concessions in a relationship is important to the survival of the country due to societies needing couplings to survive.

2. All long term couplings are like countries, needing peculiar glue to hold them together, rather than the ability to compromise or making concessions.

3. All relationships survive on the ability to compromise and the exchange of making these concessions is often 50-50.

4. None of the above.

 

 The statement made by Canadian child psychologist Dr. William Blatz, I make the dressing and she makes the salad when asked about the secrets of his serene marriage means:

1. Even though he did less work, the act of collaboration was what was important to his marriage being successful.

2. Even though making the dressing was quicker than making the salad, marriage was about doing chores and being unfair.

3. Even though he did less work, his wife enjoyed making the salad and so people got the picture.

4. Even though making the dressing was quicker, the act of collaboration was not what the effort was about.

 

8. The author states that the first thing her granddaughters should search for in their partners is integrity because:

1. They did not want Prince Charming who theyd soon discover is just a narcissistic dope but they wanted someone who cheats on an expense account.

2. They did not want someone who cheats on an expense account but could admit fault in a myriad of other ways as well.

3. They did not want someone who cheats on an expense account or cant admit fault as theyd be dishonest in other ways as well.

4. They did not want Prince Charming who was probably just a narcissist, they wanted someone who cheats on an expense account and who cant admit fault and will be dishonest in a myriad of other ways as well.

 

9. Compassion is important because:

1. It rests on fine bedrock and indicates a lack of respect.

2. It rests on the fine bedrock of sympathy and empathy.

3. It rests on empathy which is foundational.

4. It insists on fine sympathetic bedrock

 

10. Humour is considered important to the author because:

1. It does not mean joke telling which can be an indication of the need for attention and a paucity of anything interesting to say.

2. It does not mean joke telling but springs from a lack of awareness of lifes absurdities.

3. It does not mean joke telling but springs from not having humane outlook, and having the ability to put matters in perspective.

4. It does not mean joke telling which can be an indication of the need for attention, but is the ability to put matters in perspective.